7 Things I Learned By Losing A Parent At A Young Age

October 25, 2016. A day that changed my life forever. I lost what I would consider a best friend, one of my biggest supporters, and most importantly, my dad. Losing a parent at a young age changes your life drastically, here’s a brief story of what happened.

In November of 2015 we took my dad to the doctor due to a massive lump that had formed on his neck. After every test you can imagine, they determined that it was cancerous. When you hear that word, cancer, you can try to stay as positive as you want, but in the back of your mind you always fear the worst. Little did we know that the next ten months would be spent watching a dad to my sister and I, a husband to my mom, and a friend to many, battle day in and day out for his life. There’s no doubt that Ken Jennings fought until his last breath, but that still didn't make the process easy. I was 21 years old when I lost my dad. Here are 7 things I learned by losing my dad to cancer when I was so young.

1.) You can’t outrun grief.

This has possibly been the hardest thing to face, simply because I didn't want to face it. It took me two years to get to the grieving process of losing my dad. For me, God literally had to move me half way across the country for me to go through it. In August I made the 750 mile move from Nashville to Fort Worth, Texas to go to seminary. If we are being honest, I think the real reason God sent me here is to go through this grieving process. I am alone, I know nobody, it’s just me and God.

For the past two years I have done everything to outrun the grief process. I worked as a youth pastor at a church that was in turmoil for roughly a year and God blessed me to take on minimal pastoral duties there for a while. While I was there I was putting in 30-40 hours a week doing ministry work, while still trying to finish my undergrad at a local university. I was trying to keep busy so I wouldn't think about losing my dad.

Now here I am, I have no congregation to take care of, my mom and sister are back home in Nashville, and God has put me here to take care of myself. The past month has been weird for me because I am so used to doing something all the time. It’s almost as if God brought me to Texas to say “relax, heal, GREIVE.” As much as you want to, you can’t outrun it, because it will always catch up to you. I’m learning to embrace it instead of fearing it.

2.) You are going to make some mistakes.

My whole life has been centered around an impossible task, being perfect. Well friends, that’s foolish of me because that’s impossible. I made several mistakes when I lost my dad, many I am not proud of. Mentally the loss of a parent so young drains you, and there is no excuse for the mistakes we make, but you have to understand that you are going to make some mistakes. It could be something like a poor moral choice or something like neglecting your family when they need you, either way you are going to fall short. When the thoughts to make those mistakes come, seek God. “Shall we sin so grace may abound? God forbid.” The Bible says in Romans 6, but when we do sin God’s grace is extended to us out of love. Don’t let these mistakes defeat you. Learn from the mistakes and grow from them.

3.) It’s okay to ask God why.

THIS WAS THE BIGGEST MISTAKE I MADE. I refused to ask God why He took my dad from me. I thought it was wrong to question why God is doing something in my life. Matthew 7:7-8 says this “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened.” As I began to ask, God began to reveal why things happened the way that they did, and He will reveal them to you too. Just be prepared, because some of the things God is going to show you will be tough to take in. Understand that God is growing you, even in the midst of this great loss. Ask Him why, because He will show you why. This is where true healing begins.

4.) It’s okay to cry.

Seminary has been good to me. It took a professor here to help me realize that crying is something that needs to happen in this process. As I sat in his office I began to tell him my story and how I have been really struggling with the loss of my dad recently. As I was telling him everything going on in my life I began to tear up, I fought it and composed myself. He stopped me as I was talking and asked me “why did you do that, why did you stop crying?” I didn't know what to say. I told him it made me look and feel weak. The next words out of his mouth changed me, he basically told me to let my pride go. It shook my spirit.

I’ve cried every day since and it is the greatest stress reliever I have found in these grieving times. So, cry. Let it out. Cry out to God, after all, A lot of people may listen to you, but only God truly understands your pain. Cry, you need to, its healthy.

5.) Don’t expect everyone to understand what you're going through, because they don't.

I think the one thing that actually made me mad when my dad passed away was this statement “I know what you're going through.” I don’t want to come off the wrong way by saying this, because every grief process is tragic and painful. But if you lost a parent in your 50’s or 60’s then you will never be able to understand what a kid who lost their parent in their teens or 20’s is going through. Not to be rude, but you have no idea the pain that we go through each day.

We have to wake up every day knowing that our parent won't be there to see us graduate from college, see us walk down the aisle to the love of our lives, they wont be there when we have our first baby and be able to hold their grandchild for the first time, they wont be there when we get offered our dream job. In every significant life event there is going to be a huge piece of our lives missing. So no offense, but you don't get what it’s like to wake up and face those facts every single day.

6.) You have to find a way to keep going.

You're going to have some terrible days. There will be days where you don't want to get out of bed, you don't want to go workout, you don't want to do your Bible study and prayer time, you don't want to do homework, and to be totally honest you just want to go back to sleep so the pain will go away. You have to dig deep within yourself and find a way to keep going. For me, I have four things that get me out of bed every morning.

First, I have have the ministry. Never lose sight of what God has called you to do because He has called you to do it for a reason. Second, I have my sister because I want to be an example to her in everything that I do and because I know exactly what she is going through with this process. Thirdly, I have my mom because I want to be there for her and help her as she struggles as well. The last thing I ever want to do is to disappoint my mom, especially when she has sacrificed so much for me. Finally, I have my girlfriend because I want prepare for our future. I want to work hard for us and that keeps me going.

Go do that workout, go to class, get your homework done, pray, and study God’s word. Do what you have to do to keep going. Find a reason to do what you do and go get it done. These are my reasons why I keep going, find yours. It'll help the grief process tremendously.

7.) This is meant to grow you, not defeat you.

One thing one of my mentors told me about going through grief is “you’ll always be grieving, you just learn how to grow from it.” There are going to be days when you feel so defeated. You have to realize that Satan is in the middle of this process just as God is. Satan wants to discourage you, defeat you, and ultimately destroy you. That’s his goal, right? To get us as far way from God as he possibly can. He tried it with Job and God sustained Job through it all, God can do it with you too. God is there to grow you, but you have to seek Him in this season or you will never grow.

God wants to grow you through this. That can be a hard pill to swallow because it will be so easy to blame Him for the loss of your parent, but you have to realize that God puts us through things to grow and mature us. Nothing God does is ever meant to defeat us, but to transform us into what He wants us and needs us to be. Trials come to every person in this world, how you respond tells a lot about who you are. Embrace the challenge of growth through the grief. Good will come out of this because God is in the middle of this. In the last letter that my dad ever penned me, he wrote this "Never give up, and always remember to chase your dream." As long as you keep going, you'll keep growing.